Spilling My Guts

Have you ever been so happy that when it's time to go back to reality, you realize how sad you have been? Well I am spilling my guts. I have just found out that I am sadder than I thought about some things that have been going on in my life. I have tried talking myself into being happy, but it turns out that I have been missing out on real happiness. I was able to spend some time with family and friends recently, thinking it would help me feel better. It did. I was happy and having fun. Then the guilt settled in afterward. Who am I to be so happy right now when things are so bad. What right do I have to feel like things are okay when I know full well they are not.

On the way home, I listened to some music and tried not to think about the misery I was coming back to because the happy feeling I was trying to create for myself has been a lie, and I got to see it first hand. It pales in comparison to what truly feeling good is...and I am angry for allowing myself to see it knowing it is not possible for me right now...knowing that there is only ONE thing that will make me happy...and knowing it may be a long time before I get that back again...

damn it